Attending a funeral is an emotional time and you may find yourself in unfamiliar or confusing surroundings or situations. So how do you make sure you pay your respects respectfully? Here are 10 tips from our own experience to make sure you’re properly prepared.
Our advice to pay your respects respectfully
Be punctual
The time on the funeral invitation is the time the ceremony or mass starts. So please make sure you’re in your seat 5 minutes before. Latecomers disrupt the flow of the ceremony and wandering in 15 minutes after it started is not acceptable, unless you have a cast-iron reason. In a church, you are expected to respect the holiness of the mass. A service in a memorial park chapel will likely be running to a schedule with another family gathering outside for the next service. Even if the funeral you’re attending is relaxed with no time pressure, arriving late can intrude on the atmosphere and feeling that the Celebrant has created.
Phones on silent
Despite a verbal reminder from the Funeral Director before the ceremony begins (and despite this being obvious), there is ALWAYS someone who forgets to switch their phone to silent. We’ve been at several funerals where the final reverential and quiet moment of goodbye is ruined by a phone ringing loudly, followed by a highly embarrassing rummage through a bag to try and find the phone and stop it ringing. Yup, this STILL happens. Don’t let it be you!
Sign the Guest Book
One of the details we like to capture in our live streams is the guest book. Have you ever wondered exactly what these are for at a funeral or memorial?
Firstly, it’s an important record to show you were present to pay your respects. In the whirlwind of the day, the family doesn’t always get to see every single face. Reading the names afterwards offers comfort and solace. Usually it’s just your name in the book, but sometimes it’s your address too (email and/or postal). This helps the family when sending thank-you notes. If you don’t know the family well, you can also include your relationship to the person who has passed (eg John Smith, work colleague from XYZ Pty).
But what shouldn’t you write in the guest book? It may be well-intentioned, but the book isn’t the place to leave condolences or other notes. For more extensive messages, consider writing a separate card or letter expressing your condolences. Signing the funeral guestbook is a small but significant way to honour the departed and show compassion to their loved ones.
Taking photos
Taking photos at a funeral is a sensitive and personal matter that depends on the beliefs, customs, and feelings of the bereaved family and the deceased. There is no definitive answer to whether it is appropriate or not, but there are some general guidelines and etiquette that you can follow to avoid offending or upsetting anyone.
- The most important thing is to ask for permission from the family before taking any photos. Let them know why you want to take photos and what kind of photos you plan to take. Respect their wishes and preferences, and do not take any photos if they say no or seem uncomfortable.
- If the family has hired a professional photographer, it is best to leave the task of taking photos to them. They will have the experience and skills to capture the funeral in a respectful and discreet way. You can ask the family later if they are willing to share the photos with you.
- If you are taking photos yourself, be discreet, unobtrusive, and compassionate. Do not use flash, make noise, or interrupt the service.
- Be careful about posting or sharing the photos you take. Think carefully about whether you should post them on social media. Be mindful of the privacy and feelings of the family and the mourners.
Read more about funeral photography by CeremonyCast.
Considerate conversation
Whenever you are near the coffin, remember to be respectful and not excessively talk or laugh. Whilst it may be relevant or harmless, people looking from a distance see you laughing around the deceased without any perspective of the situation.
Try to keep conversation for before or after the ceremony. While in your seat, it’s best to stay relatively silent and quiet, using a low voice. Whispering is louder than you think and it’s distracting to the people around you.
Be attentive. Be present. Be caring. Be amazing.
Keep it short and sweet
Eulogies and tributes are important at a funeral because they provide an opportunity for friends and family to express their love, admiration, and respect for the person who has died.
A eulogy can help to celebrate the person’s life and accomplishments and can be a way to remember and honour them as you pay your respects to a life well lived. Eulogies can also provide comfort to those who are grieving by highlighting the positive aspects of the person’s life and character. It can be a way to find some meaning in the loss and to help the bereaved find a way to move forward.
READ MORE: Eulogies Made Easy – How To Find The Right Words
If you’ve been asked to speak at a funeral, you’ll usually be given some guidance around content and timing. If not, ask for advice. It’s really important to stick to the time you’ve been given. A good eulogy or tribute is many things: respectful, entertaining, detailed, humorous, loving, reflective – and concise.
Make sure your tribute is appropriately timed. You may think you’re an amazing raconteur and a talented public speaker, but this is not about you. It soon becomes very clear when you’ve outstayed your welcome at the mic. The piercing eyes of the Celebrant or Minister will be bearing down on you or they’ll be watching the clock intently and looking worried. Likewise the mourners will be shifting in their seats and willing you to wrap up. Read the room and pick up on the signals!
And don’t forget to…
Tidy up – at the end of every funeral, the Funeral Director will do a sweep of the room collecting discarded Mass Booklets, forgotten personal property and used tissues. Do them a favour and remember to do this yourself.
Follow customs – some churches will ask you to leave your shoes at the door, dress in a certain way or follow particular customs. Check for signs on entry and make sure you respect tradition.
Park your car considerately – those spaces in front of the church? They’re for the hearse and the mourners’ cars. Don’t move the orange witches’ hats either.
Keep clear of the live streaming cameras – this one’s from us! Be aware of where the cameras are positioned and please try not to stand right in front blocking the view and talking loudly to your friends. You’ll soon receive a polite but firm tap on the shoulder!
And that’s how to pay your respects respectfully!
Get in touch with us
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About the author
Written by Stephen Lee
Owner, CeremonyCast – Professional Funeral Live Streaming
Covering Sydney, Southern Highlands, Wollongong, Central Coast, Newcastle & The Hunter, Blue Mountains